How to Talk Like a French Chef

I’m not learning the kind of French I intended to.

The other night on one of my days off, I ordered a cocktail at an upscale restaurant that I had never heard of before. It was a mixture of rum and spirits with fruit juice. It sounded interesting but a little too sweet for my taste. I asked the server if it was dégueulasse (deh-guh-lass), which I thought meant 'gross'.

I hear it all the time in the kitchen and I just assumed it meant bad or unsavory. I just wanted to know if the cocktail was good! I really upset the server who stormed away after correcting my French and telling me never to use that word in public. How was I supposed to know? The word means 'filthy'.

My French friends at the table burst out laughing after the server vanished and then they explained the word to me. They thought my little cloquial version of ‘gross’ was funny. But there I was totally in the dark wondering why I had just caused such a reaction to the extent that the server was replaced by another young man.

And then there’s the word ‘putain’ (poo-tan) which means ‘whore’. Every time some one messes up a dish in the kichen they exclaim, “Oh putain!”. I thought the word meant ‘oops!’ or 'oh brother!'. I hear the word constantly throughout the day so it’s just become part of my vocabulary. If I drop something on the floor I say, “Oh putain.” If the chefs are yelling at me I say, “Oh putain” and put my head down and work faster. If some one is being a jerk I say, “Oh putain” in exasperation and walk way.

But I don’t think I was supposed to use it on the crowded the metro during rush hour when I dropped my cell phone on the floor. Because when I exclaimed, “oh putain” and then crouched down to look for my phone in between people grabbing onto bars for balance I caused some funny stares, a few giggles, and some downright mean looks.

So now you have two words you can put together into a sentence. Here’s how the chef’s do it in the kitchen: Oh putain! Ça c’est dégueulasse! (oh whore! That’s filthy!)

But wait there’s more. Oh yes, there’s a lot more bad words in the kitchen and I haven’t even begun to really get down and dirty. But first let me fill you in on the obligatory inbetween words that will no doubt pair with the spicier bad ones. Qu'est-ce que c'est ça? (keh-skuh-say-sah) literarlly translated means ‘what is that there?’. This is one of my Chef's favorite phrases and he has a way of putting the fear of God into you just with that one rhetorical question.

If you’re being asked ‘what is that there?’ by the Chef, then you already know what is there. You know it is something totally inedible that is an embarrassment to the reputation of the restaurant. God forbid, the Michelin reviewers should walk in while you're serving that plate of shit. Normally the sentence is accompanied with the rolling of eyes and an outstretched finger pointing directly to the merde that you have just created.

So here’s the new phrase altogether now: Oh putain! Qu'est-ce que c'est ça? Ça c’est dégueulasse (Oh whore! What is that there? That’s filthy!)

I know you know the French word merde that I mentioned above. Everyone in the world knows that word. It’s a funny little word for dog doo isn’t it? But there’s another way of twisting it into something a little less cutesy. C’est de la merde is like dégueulasse but means 'it’s of the shit’ or 'it's a plie of crap'. Again, this phrase is normally accompanied with the obligatory rolling of the eyes and outstretched finger pointing to the dog doo you’ve just plated for some famous client. It can be tagged on behind the phrase ça c’est dégueulasse for added punctuation.

In other words, if you didn’t understand (because you're an idiot) that what you slaved over for five hours to create is disgusting, you will certainly get it through your thick skull that it's a pile of poop.

Hallelluja! Now we’re really getting somewhere: Oh putain! Qu'est-ce que c'est? QU'EST-CE C'EST ÇA? Ça c’est dégueulasse – c’est de la merde. (Oh whore! What is that there? WHAT IS THAT THERE? That’s filthy – it’s a pile of crap!)

Now remember that cooking in a French kitchen is like being in the military. Not only is the fact that you messed up your roti de veau (roasted veal) pointed out for the whole staff to witness, but also the fact that you’re a butt hole.

Well you’ve got to be an butt hole if you’ve just messed up something as basic as roti de veau right? And the chef’s also have to insure you clearly understand the pecking order. If you screwed the pooch on the veal then you are definitely in the merde pile. The word for butt hole is conard (coh-nard) or if you’re a female butt hole its connasse (coh-nass). Isn’t that nice and undiscrimating of the French? How kind of them to give women their own feminie version of the word. I think the female version sounds much prettier.

And of course if you’re a gros connard, then you’re a ‘big butt hole’. Now before we put the whole new sentence together I’d like to introduce one last phrase, fait chier (fay-shay), which is truly grotesque. It means ‘to take a poo’, but really it is more equivalent to our “oh f&*k” American expression. This expression can be used in the same way, “Oh putain” is used, but normally expresses a higher degree of agitation.

So here it is, the grande finale, the final sentence that will truly enable you to call it like it is in a 3-star French kitchen: Oh putain! Fait chier! Conard, qu'est-ce c’est ça? QU'EST-CE C'EST ÇA? Ça c’est dégueulasse – c’est de la merde! Oh putain. (Oh whore! Oh f*&k! Butt hole, what is that there? WHAT IS THAT THERE? That’s filthy – it’s a pile of crap! Oh whorrrrre!)

And what do you answer back when you hear this lovely sentence breathed inches from your face by a screaming, sweaty, red faced French chef that has pulsing veins bulging out from his neck?

Oui chef! (yes, chef)

Technorati Tags: French swear words, merde

Comments

[fanny]

this is brilliant
i'm so laughing right now
xxx

[Ms. Glaze]

Glad you liked it! I was just thinking the other day of what a beautiful language French is and how different it sounds in the French kitchen. ;-)

[L'Amerloque]

Hi Ms G !

// Qu'est-ce que c'est ça? // is generally more like "What the f$%h is that ?" (grin)

None of the French described here should be used with people that one doesn't know - well.

Never, ever, under any circumstances. The consequences may be irreparable !

Amerloque loves this blog ...

Best,
L'Amerloque

[madre-terra]

OK, so I have been lurking and reading your blog for about a year now. I've been reading it to my 12 yr. old daughter who wants to become a chef. And today I had to read it to my husband who used to live in Paris and knows all about the French kitchen.
He is a ceramicist and we sell his artwork for a living. So today while in our booth at yet another art show I will say to him, "Oh whore. What is that. WWHAT IS THAT. It is crap.....
We'll have good laugh. Thanks.
BTW...I totally missed that you got your visa finally...are you back in the same kitchen? If so, that's great.

[maitresse]

ha! I used "déguelasse" once to an ex-boyfriend's 5 year old niece. "Dégoûtant, dégoûtant," he corrected me very quickly, and then lectured me on my potty-mouth later.

but it goes both ways-- once nicolas heard me say I didn't give a flying fuck about something (I must have been angry) and then he started to use it all the time, in the most inappropriate moments. E.g., "Nicolas, what would you like for dinner?" "I don't give a flying fuck."

[Ms. Glaze]

Amerloque – I absolutely love your blog too! Wide Grin ;-)

Madre Terre – I'm so happy that your not angry with me for using bad words! When I first read your comment and saw that you read my posts to your daughter I just about feinted. I'm an old school teacher so you can imagine my horror! This post is a little more naughty than normal ;-)

Maitresse – Yes I just don't understand the difference really between dégoûtant and déugelasse. When I translate them i feel that they are both equal. But as you well know, this is not the case. Oh well, who gives a flying f*ck anyway? Btw, sorry things didn't work out with the SF hook-up. I was off-line for such a long time with my apartment move and your message got buried. ;-(

[Adele]

This is hilarious. I apprenticed for a summer in an Italian restaurant, and Italian chefs do this, too.

[ParisBreakfasts]

OH I LOVE IT!!!!!
Here's your response to that particular chastisement, especially if you wanna get kicked outta that kitchen so fast like Remy, the Rat:

TA GEULE! (ta gull)

Why in heaven's name saying your muzzel is so insulting, inquiring minds need to know!
Please tell us Amy :)
Et BIG merci!

[Ms. Glaze]

Ah yes, the infamous TA GUELE! One of my favs. I should have included that one. I definitely have heard many a "ta guele connard" (shut up butt hole). I don't know how the words 'your mouth' got turned into 'shut up'. The French are so silly sometimes. Then there's also TAIS TOI which means the same thing but is slightly more parental in tone instead of humiliating.

Oh the possibilities...

[lilalia]

After reading your blog for a year or so, I got up the nerve to ask the chef at my favorite restaurant whether I could do a week's apprenticeship. It's always been a dream of mine to work in a such kitchen.

I knew that it was physically strenuous, but it is even more so than I imagined. I certainly tip my hat to you...

I wrote a short summary of my experience (http://yumyumcafe.blogspot.com/2007/11/sailing-versus-cooking.html#links).

In keeping with this post, there was an incident when one of the cooks was complaining to another cook, that his dough was not the right consistency; he was having trouble making it thin enough. The colleague's response to this complaint, "What do you want... you don't have to wipe your ass with it?"

[Lori Lynn @ Taste With The Eyes]

Hilarious!!!

[GB]

I am in love with MSG

[Alison]

This made me laugh. When I was learning French, my husband taught me the slang, and his mother taught me proper French, thankfully!

So..."ta gueule" was originally "ferme ta gueule," which makes a little more sense.

Also, and I don't mean to be pedantic, French has different "levels" of language: familier, courant, and soutenu. So "dégueulasse" is familier, "dégoûtant" is courant, and "ceci n'est pas bon" would be soutenu. (I don't speak much français soutenu, so that's the best I could come up with.)

Gawd, I love French! The suffix -asse is generally negative, and adds real emphasis to the word. Connasse is worse than conne. It's better to be a blonde than a blondasse.

And one more thing...the verb that dégueulasse comes from, dégueuler, is slang for "to vomit."

Putain, des fois ça me fait chier de ne plus vivre en France !

[Stu "El Inglés" Harris]

Department of obscene etymology:

'Dégueulasse' is from the verb 'dégueuler', to throw up. That in turn is from the vulgar 'gueule' for face. The -asse ending is just slapped on anything that's found despicable. So 'sickening' would be a better translation, in theory. The one I really love is 'dégobiller' which is the same verb with even more expressive vulgarity.

'ta gueule' is simply a contraction of 'ferme ta gueule'. Note that it's only used between people who are on tu-toi terms!!

'fait chier' is not so much 'take a shit' as 'makes me shit'. Translation of this is as problematical as the closely-related 'enmerdant' or 'enmerdeuse'. We really don't say 'enshitting' or 'an enshitting female' but maybe we should.

[Stu "El Inglés" Harris]

Haha, sorry for the repetition. Alison and I posted simultaneously.

[Ms. Glaze]

Stu & Allison – You guys are wondeful! Thanks for explaining these necessary vulgar terms with such clarity! It's really just fascinating to me. I'll have to give that new word a try: dégobiller. That will really catch everyone off gaurd. I've been picking up a little Verlain (sp?) too and that always seems to make everyone fall about laughing.
GB – You're making me blush!
Lori - Thanks! I love yur blog!
Lilalia – Just read your post and it's fantastic. great story and bon courage with your stage. Don't take no shit from no shit!

[Stu "El Inglés" Harris]

I've never heard 'dégobillasse' but it ought to work, in theory....

[Mad William]

That is too funny.
When I was cooking in San Diego I learned Spanish in the kitchen. I can not believe the things they taught me. None of which can be used in public. It took me about a year and a half to realize they were teaching me every nasty word or phrase they could.

Kitchens are so much fun.

[rib]

"ta gueule" (not geule) appeared as the short version of "ferme ta gueule" (shut up your mouth). Don't use that in public that's rude ;)

For degoutant and degueulasse, the difference is only in the level of language, one is "familiar" the other is "vulgar".

[Kelly Mahoney]

HA! I notice that when people first start learning a language, it's usually the curse words that they learn first.

[Alison]

Ms. Glaze,

Anytime you have a question about French vocab, spelling, or slang, don't hesitate to ask me!

I do miss living in France and using the language. French is so colorful, even when you're not being vulgar.

Stu, I didn't know "dégobiller," but I will say that it's "emmerdant" and "emmerdeuse." ;-)

[Cassoulet Cafe]

I was taught some Verlain also, and everytime I use it, I get a roar of laughter ;) Z-y-va is the best one for laughs...also zarbi for bizarre.
My husband accidentally said 'chier' instead of chien and WOW that was a real shocker to everyone standing around after church ;) thankfully we have great friends who corrected him and had a big laugh.

[jeorg]

dégoûtant is much better for dégeulasse because of yes, the level but also why each of those words fits into that level. goûter is a human experience, to taste, distaste, etc... geule refers to "the face" but specifically the face of an animal. it is a dehumanizing word which when used, becomes vulgar or insulting.

both mean "gross" but in completely different moments/contexts. you have done exactly what every language learner has done at different times and that is to pick the wrong "register" for the occasion. it's normal, and nothing, at all, to be ashamed of...

[Tonya R]

fabulously funny post. Great start to a book (hint hint). Thanks for making my day.

[Ms. Glaze]

How did you know I'm writing a book!?!?!?